I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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