best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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