just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.