i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
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he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
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Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?