it hurts more in the daytime
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
