Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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