My liver just broke up with me...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
