I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
