If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
