I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
