Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The air taste purple.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
