Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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