Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
