why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
