last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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