I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
