Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
