I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
