why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
