Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
