Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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