Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
