You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
