Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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