i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
