You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
