I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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