Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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