i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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