margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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