I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
