Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
