I haven't been this sober since birth.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
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Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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