really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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