Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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