It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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