that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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