i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
