tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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