i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
