Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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