The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
