Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
