We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
