I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
