i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
