Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
