So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
