Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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