she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
