I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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