I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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