I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
