omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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