Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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