How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
