babies were throwing up all over the place
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
