i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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