All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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