he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
