Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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