So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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