I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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