I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm having to shit out rocks
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