I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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