My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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