non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
